Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Men Are All The Same

open your mind, and be curious of the little signs
open your eyes wider, and look real closer


Ok.

Let's pause.

Is it really true?

All of them are the same?

You know, when we hear people say Men Are All The Same, they actually mean to say, Men Are All Jerks. Unappreciative, greedy, selfish jerks. 

This is from one woman's point of view. 

Most women who have gone through this ordeal, they are going to start believing that the above is very true. Maybe, not all men are the same. Maybe, just only the very few ones who will be 100% percent loyal to their wives. Maybe... We don't know.. Men can be very unpredictable.

One will believe that all men are the same when she has to go through a painful experience after discovering the husband's infidelity. I cannot imagine the pain AJ has to live with. When I look at her face, I don't really see there is anything wrong. Honestly, she looks normal to me... But the truth is, she has to put up a brave happy face, while her chest hurts all the time from being heartbroken. May God give strength to you sweetie.. Amin.. 

So, I am going to bring you to the 'discovering' bit.

I'm not going to go on and on of what happened between AJ and her husband, maybe I will share a bit hear and there, but now, she would like me to write and share what should we look for if we had suspicions towards our husbands. But, we shouldn't wait for the signs, AJ added. We should be a SPY from beginning!

AJ : 'I want you to write about this Ida. Please record our conversation so you won't miss any of the small details...'

ME : '.............*nodded*'

We women are special breed. We have very strong instincts. Sometimes the signs are very small, but too sudden and crystal clear to us the wives. And AJ never forgets these details (even before she found out the love of her life was cheating on her), somehow, all of them stayed in her mind. Till all hell broke lose.

*** these tips and notes are gathered from AJ's personal experiences with her husband who was cheating on her.


HIS BEHAVIOR


1. Sudden interest of certain love songs

One time, and quite a few times, AJ noticed her husband was playing this one particular song a bit too often. He even kept repeating the same song over and over till AJ just had to ask.. "You really like this song sayang..?"

Husband just nodded. Of course AJ brushed this aside, but it was a bit out of the ordinary. It was like, he was lost in love, she thought. 


2. Starts addressing you differently

"... dear"

AJ found it so not like him. She thought, 'he never addressed me DEAR before, why the sudden change?' Usually just SAYANG, or her nick name. Later she discovered that's how her husband addressed the other woman. She found few messages he kept between him and the other woman. 

3. He checks on you a little bit too often

After all that happened, only now AJ understands why her husband's behavior towards her was extra possessive and sometimes he'd get jealous over small matters. He was actually acting paranoid, while he was exchanging messages, making calls to the other woman, he thought AJ was doing the same thing. So he'd checked on her messages, who was she talking to on the phone..

How and Why he thought of this?

We human are weird creatures. What we got away doing something we're not supposed to, we will think the other person is doing the same thing we're doing. He was hiding, so he thought she was hiding something too.. 

Since AJ's husband knew AJ had no idea of his infidelities, her husband had at some points in his mind that the wife was also cheating on him, and he has no idea what was going on, or so he thought. AJ didn't do anything, he was the one who's cheating, but implying his wife instead. 

"Any other men messaging you on you FB or email? Anyone texts you funny funny..?" AJ's husband sudden bursts within the past year ... Which got AJ very upset a lot of times and sometimes AJ would cry herself to sleep thinking "...what did I do wrong this time??" "why is he acting so jealous at the stupidest things..?" It was hard for AJ to go to work as sometimes she had to meet a lot people. This is where her husband would find ways and reasons implying AJ was seeing someone without her husband's knowledge. 

When AJ missed his calls, or took too long replying his messages, he'll get angry and started asking what was she doing, what was she too busy with...?

In fact, all this silly suspicions towards AJ actually reflected his own actions. He was always on the phone with his girlfriend, always textings, and always got away with it, AJ had not idea. So, he thought, she was also busy texting a lover. But all she was doing on her phone was most about work and her business, and connecting with girlfriends. 

AJ thought, he's just jealous, that's normal for a husband. Because he loves me, she thought. 


4. Texting differently

One particular detail, this may sound silly, but, AJ knew it was a bit too weird. A difference in a three letter word, don't seem too much to dwell about but, it is a sign of change in behavior.

".... Auk"

He always types, ".... Aok"

Not, ".... Auk"

The other woman would reply with 'Auk'. So, in time, her husband 'preferred' to use 'Auk', than 'Aok'. It's what lovers do. The other would start to copy, the other's style, just to feel together gether. 


5. Suddenly he has a new number (this is classic)

AJ finds it not so normal that her husband decided to get a different number using another network, while the rest of the family, kids and AJ are all using Celcom. Her husband had told her the places he's at when he's outstation had bad coverages on Celcom.


THE DISCOVERIES


It was not something AJ cheered over. Discovering her husband has been making secret calls to another woman truly surprised her. Before, AJ just heard stories of friends or friends of friends were separating from their husbands after discovering their husbands were cheating on them. She said it was so unlikely to happen to her marriage, because they were so happy, and friends and family regarded them as D perfect couple.

After learning of his secret activities, AJ started going through his two phones.


the other woman's phone number, in the same 
note with a song lyric

It was this discovery that she decided she was going to dig deeper. She honestly thought her hushand and the other woman were just making secret calls and exchanging text messages. What made AJ so furious was, discovering that he was actually falling in love with the colleague. 


1. Saved notes

Ladies, if you dig dig and dig, going through every single, I mean e v e r y single note, every single doc, pic, history file, if he was cheating on, you WILL find something, I PROMISE YOU, YOU WILL! Men who cheat, somehow, can be very very careless. They are so caught up with the new love interest, they will somehow carelessly leave a note or photos or anything, that would indicate they are doing something suspicious behind your back. 

AJ found this note in her husband's blackberry.

The 'censored' phone number, belongs to the other woman, who's his colleague. The one he has been making secret calls to at night, at work, whenever he could. Of course he denied everything, but the other woman's phone number and name are all over the husband's mobile phones. Go figure. 

Why is there a note, with lovey dovey song lyric, are in the same page with the other woman's phone number? He had told AJ it meant nothing... Nothing. Maybe he thought she was stupid. 

AJ also found a document is her husband's other phone, locked with password, and the doc was saved using the other woman's name, but spelled backward. He claimed it was work. But why spelled backward? Like he was hiding something. She asked him to open the document, he refused. YuP! Definitely hiding something.

Samsung phones, if you are patient enough, you will find a lot of things that the owner thought, he had deleted all the evidence that would show he was having an affair. What AJ discovered in the next few days, truly hit her in the head.

Sent out screenshots, photos, that didn't look like they were meant for her husband's male friends. And AJ definitely did not receive them. She was pretty sure they were SENT to the other woman :-

~ screenshot of a song lyric "I don't know much, but I know I love you"

~ a supposedly funny edited pic of a woman with a caption saying .. "don't you worry *****, the things you heard are just rumors. he truly loves you" 

~ a handwritten note (that he snapped, and sent using whatsapp) saying he was sorry, did not mean to hurt her, apologizes sweetly.. You don't send this kind of note to a colleague.

~ a scribbled note of her car plate number that came with; monthly installments, settlement figure, things need for a reloan, epf, payslips etc.

~ text messages saying good mornings, I love you , I love you too... etc. 

All these items her husband sent to the woman showed his affections towards her. How much he cared and that he'd do what he can to assist her. Ok, you just want to assist a single mother, a colleague. But a lot of these sent items are evidence of an affair. Even a 10 year old can figure them out. 


2. Song lyric

AJ decided to google on the song lyric she found in the blackberry note. And what a nice love song it was. The song, he used to play in the house, and would repeat over and over and over. The lyrics were of his feelings for his lover. 


3. Last calls

After the late night calls, or calls he claimed were from one of the guys or about work, any chance you get, check the last received or made calls. Like I mentioned earlier, cheating husband can be very careless, you might just discover something. 

AJ found messages from Digi (her husband was using prepaid) of last balances, and the recorded time. Usually these messages came in after calls were made. The messages from DIGI showed the calls were made at night, even day time, when he was not around her, which are, not something she wished to discover. 


4. Social status

In AJ's case, her husband had social status that clearly indicated he was lost in love, or there was a new interest that's making him behave a bit diffently. He may denied it all, but AJ knows the husbands well. Probably not too well, but, she knows when there's something not right. He just had to put up a song title on his status, couldn't hide his longing for his lover. And AJ only had to google. 


5. Name mentionings

Sometimes you don't have to dig. If you're lucky, he would from time to time mention the name of the person he fancies, his new interest. When her husband talked to AJ about work, the other woman's name came up a bit too often. 



AJ's messages to women out there

I think I shouldn't have shown too much to him that I'd do anything, and that I love him more than I love myself. As if he knew how much I love him, he just took for granted of all the sacrifices I've done for him. And as if when everything seemed perfect, he took the opportunity because I only knew he loves me, and I never would think, never had to think he would ever cheat on me. Just because he knows I think our marriage was perfect and happy, he went astray. And I would never guessed, because I thought I was the only one for him. 

Showing you trust him with your heart and soul can lead to infidelities, I guess. I let him go by himself to trips outside town. Because I didn't mind giving him his freedom because, I love him and I trusted him. They say, you cannot tie a man's freedom. You cannot NOT give him his freedom, they will start to rebel ... But from my experience, my husband used my trust to meet the other woman outside their work place. He used the freedom I let him have to cheat on me. 

We women should learn to be independent, not just financially. Yes we really need to be independent financially in case one day we have to fend for ourselves and our children. 

Being independent emotionally too. Some of you won't understand this, you might even think I'm stupid. Hmm.. I do think I was... When I found out my husband was cheating on me, I didn't have anywhere else to turn to. I only had him. So, I had to rely on him for a shoulder to cry on. Yes, I cursed him, I lashed out at him, but I couldn't bear being far from him. I missed him. All I feel is loss, but the person who cheated on me was the only person I was hoping to be there for me. So... we should really learn to be independent in every way. 

Sound pathetic I know. That's what I meant... We should be ready if anything like this happened to our marriage. It happened to my so called perfect marriage, it could happen to any of yours. No matter how good things appear to be, no matter how much you know he loves you, we should never be 100% dependent on another person, financially and emotionally. 

I can only pray to God to make this pain go away. 

I guess, I am lucky he's not planning to leave me for the other woman.

And he is one of the luckiest husbands on this planet. Never crossed my mind to kick him out of the house. He regretted what he did and he says he still loves me. I believe him, but it's done. Things won't really be the same because, he is just like any other men out there. Feel like he's a stranger to me. I honestly thought he's the perfect husband. Over and over again I kept beating myself up with these words; I should have opened my eyes wider, I should have known earlier, should have open up my mind to all the signs, and shouldn't brush them off... 

If he loved me enough, if he really really loves me, he would not have fallen in love with another woman. He would never started a relationship with another woman. With a colleague. 

I think I was too proud of 'US'. Too proud of my romantic one-woman-man husband. I shouldn't be too confident. But in the end, I don't want to blame myself. Sometimes the problem is not actually the wives. You know, a lot of times you hear husbands started looking for another love interest because the wife is too busy with work, spends more time with other people compare with her own family, or simply never bother to be a perfect wife for the husband. In some cases, like mine, the problem is not me, I believe that. The problem is, my husband. He just happened to be that kind of man. I married one of those men. 


> > >


:( I feel so sorry for AJ. Ya Allah, please grant this woman strength to carry on with her life, for herself and her growing children. Amin.. 

Always be thankful, and always pray for others. 

I do not want to be in AJ's position, I don't. But seeing her pain, is enough to remind me of how one can be very unlucky and how life can turn upside down just like that. I am lucky to be given the chance to sit and chatted with her last June. At least I was a bit of a comfort for her, I hope. We laughed, we cried, but she was the one who had to go back to her life. 

Now.. where's that phone O_O

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